Tuesday, 31 May 2011

I hate my fucking life

Like most people of my generation, I'm pretty fucking miserable.  A large part of this misery, ironically, probably stems from how much time I spend thinking about why I'm miserable.  These long years of introspection, however, have granted me some insight into why I hate my life so much.  Now I'll preface this by saying that I know it has been said before.  The idea of there being another mid-twenties douchebag bitching about how awful his life is (considering how fucking much I have) is, in itself, depressing, which is only making my situation worse.  Its one thing to hate a life that is good, its another thing entirely to hate yourself for hating the life because it is such a cliche.  I watch people acting out cliches (white girls being prostitutes, teenagers drinking, etc.) and I hate them, criticize their inability to be anything but what they are supposed to be.  Like most things, its projection.  In any case, I hate my life because it has failed me.  The problem, of course, is that life is not a thing that can fail so there is an inconsistency in my depression.  To that I'll respond by saying that depression, self-loathing and suicide are inherently irrational.  Let's be honest, most of the people who hate themselves and their lives shouldn't and those that should don't.  Otherwise, the ones that should would have killed themselves and we wouldn't even know that such people exist.

From birth our meritocratic society instills in its fodder the knowledge that working hard will bring great things.  Work hard and you'll get whatever you desire but this goes beyond materialism.  There is, we are told, an inherent benefit in the simple act of working hard.  Doing something to the best of your abilities is supposed to be satisfying and meaningful in and of itself.  As an interesting aside, there is a syndrome that used to exist amongst African-Americans called John Henryism.  Essentially, there was an overwhelming prevalence of hypertension in American blacks and researchers found that this was true in those who held the belief that hard work would allow them to escape their desolate socio-economic position.  These people were working hard believing that it would elevate them and, when they remained poor and marginalized, blamed themselves thereby precipitating massive levels of stress causing the hypertension. 

But I digress.  Considering the watered-down nature of a current university degree, I assume I'm not the only person that was told education was important.  You work hard in school, suffer through it and come out the other side with a valuable degree and a greater sense of self-worth.  I have three university degrees (mathematics, economics and psychology), graduating near the top of my class in all three.  In fact, I haven't gotten less than an A+ in a class in almost 3 years.  Yet somehow I still hate my fucking life, thoroughly convinced that I have accomplished nothing of consequence.  I assume that I'm not alone in this.  Our parents ascribed meaning and purpose to education for two reasons: 1) they didn't have the same opportunity and, 2) they were told to.  The system has failed them as significantly as it has failed us except they get it once removed and see us as the failure.  In Jonathan Franzen's Freedom (Note: if you don't like it you're a fucking moron and don't even think of telling me the characters are unlikeable) the characters suffer from one flaw above all others: they over-commit to being different from their parents.  If a woman felt neglected by her parents, she smothered her children thereby causing her children to neglect their children for fear of smothering them.  I risk doing the same thing if I ever have children.  I'm probably going to be so lax about education because I had such an unfulfilling experience that my kids are going to be fucking homeless.  They'll over-emphasize with their kids and so on and so forth.

Education is a singular example but our lives are strewn with similar ideals.  The point, I guess, is simple.  I did everything I was supposed to do.  I went to school, worked hard, got good grades and thought about my future.  I've worked summers since I was 13 instead of being a fucking teenager, thereby saving inordinate amounts of money (unfortunately, my dad still thinks I'm lazy and hates me (god damn cliches)).  I didn't wrong people growing up, did right when I could, smiled at and complimented people, help open doors and tried to be a good person.  I met a beautiful woman that loves me unequivocally and am prepared to start a life together.  I did everything I was supposed to do and they (society, my parents, etc.) told me that this was the way to happiness and contentment.  Fulfill your end of the bargain, work hard and you'll be good.  Well I'm not.  I'm fucking sad and depressed and broken.  I cry and scream and break things and feel hopeless and get consumed by my self-hatred and eventually it will destroy me.  And I'm pissed off.  I'm angry and frustrated that I worked so hard and sacrificed so much and got nothing in return, received nothing I was promised.  And I can't be alone in this.  Odds are, if you're still reading this it makes sense to you, on some level.  We've all been promised something in return for our compliance.  I'm tired of working, where the fuck is my paycheck? 

1 comment:

  1. "I'm probably going to be so lax about education because I had such an unfulfilling experience that my kids are going to be fucking homeless."

    Do you mean that they are going to be substantially homeless, or that they are going to be copulating with said demographic? L0L nah furreal son, you captured essentially everything I think about CONSTANTLY nowadays. I'm a college grad too (though not as esteemed as you, I made the dean's list once and, albeit being a pothead, managed to graduate on time, barely, miraculously (by the grace of a TA grading error gift lol)).

    Your sophisticated consciousness, particularly your awareness of how it can't reconcile your general discontent parallels mine substantially. Once again I read a blog of yours and I feel like someone literally read my mind and transcribed it.

    I want to applaud your ability to illustrate the deceptive false paradigms that have been apart of our generation's heritage . . . the fact that you are and have been more diligent than me (a virtuous go-getter in his own right . . . at least in the past lol) makes your articulation of this state of our demographical affairs even more genuine.

    I have PLENTY more I wanna say in reflection of your accurate portrayal of dissatisfaction in spite of [insert outlet for consciousness here], but I'll restrain myself. Instead, I'll end with a cornerstone of why I think 2 + 2 ≠ 4 as you so eloquently explained.

    As individuals discern certain (but definitely not all) values they've been systematically indoctrinated to obey are in fact logical fallacies, this transcendence in consciousness is opposed by the forces of compliance with the synthetic social norms that have persisted and only grown in power since the 1950's. Thus, the violent juxtaposition of what our intuition tells us with what the artificial clauses of obligation and fulfillment proclaim can trigger psychological and spiritual schisms in even the most "awake" individuals!

    Shit is crazy, brah. I be str8 BUGGIN' out too, when something TOTALLY trife happens because it evokes those repressed, subconscious, mutually opposed forces in my seriously fucked up aura that I try to window dress as at least quasi-normal lololololololol.

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