I hate my fucking life

Like most people of my generation, I'm pretty fucking miserable.  A large part of this misery, ironically, probably stems from how much time I spend thinking about why I'm miserable.  These long years of introspection, however, have granted me some insight into why I hate my life so much.  Now I'll preface this by saying that I know it has been said before.  The idea of there being another mid-twenties douchebag bitching about how awful his life is (considering how fucking much I have) is, in itself, depressing, which is only making my situation worse.  Its one thing to hate a life that is good, its another thing entirely to hate yourself for hating the life because it is such a cliche.  I watch people acting out cliches (white girls being prostitutes, teenagers drinking, etc.) and I hate them, criticize their inability to be anything but what they are supposed to be.  Like most things, its projection.  In any case, I hate my life because it has failed me.  The problem, of course, is that life is not a thing that can fail so there is an inconsistency in my depression.  To that I'll respond by saying that depression, self-loathing and suicide are inherently irrational.  Let's be honest, most of the people who hate themselves and their lives shouldn't and those that should don't.  Otherwise, the ones that should would have killed themselves and we wouldn't even know that such people exist.

From birth our meritocratic society instills in its fodder the knowledge that working hard will bring great things.  Work hard and you'll get whatever you desire but this goes beyond materialism.  There is, we are told, an inherent benefit in the simple act of working hard.  Doing something to the best of your abilities is supposed to be satisfying and meaningful in and of itself.  As an interesting aside, there is a syndrome that used to exist amongst African-Americans called John Henryism.  Essentially, there was an overwhelming prevalence of hypertension in American blacks and researchers found that this was true in those who held the belief that hard work would allow them to escape their desolate socio-economic position.  These people were working hard believing that it would elevate them and, when they remained poor and marginalized, blamed themselves thereby precipitating massive levels of stress causing the hypertension. 

But I digress.  Considering the watered-down nature of a current university degree, I assume I'm not the only person that was told education was important.  You work hard in school, suffer through it and come out the other side with a valuable degree and a greater sense of self-worth.  I have three university degrees (mathematics, economics and psychology), graduating near the top of my class in all three.  In fact, I haven't gotten less than an A+ in a class in almost 3 years.  Yet somehow I still hate my fucking life, thoroughly convinced that I have accomplished nothing of consequence.  I assume that I'm not alone in this.  Our parents ascribed meaning and purpose to education for two reasons: 1) they didn't have the same opportunity and, 2) they were told to.  The system has failed them as significantly as it has failed us except they get it once removed and see us as the failure.  In Jonathan Franzen's Freedom (Note: if you don't like it you're a fucking moron and don't even think of telling me the characters are unlikeable) the characters suffer from one flaw above all others: they over-commit to being different from their parents.  If a woman felt neglected by her parents, she smothered her children thereby causing her children to neglect their children for fear of smothering them.  I risk doing the same thing if I ever have children.  I'm probably going to be so lax about education because I had such an unfulfilling experience that my kids are going to be fucking homeless.  They'll over-emphasize with their kids and so on and so forth.

Education is a singular example but our lives are strewn with similar ideals.  The point, I guess, is simple.  I did everything I was supposed to do.  I went to school, worked hard, got good grades and thought about my future.  I've worked summers since I was 13 instead of being a fucking teenager, thereby saving inordinate amounts of money (unfortunately, my dad still thinks I'm lazy and hates me (god damn cliches)).  I didn't wrong people growing up, did right when I could, smiled at and complimented people, help open doors and tried to be a good person.  I met a beautiful woman that loves me unequivocally and am prepared to start a life together.  I did everything I was supposed to do and they (society, my parents, etc.) told me that this was the way to happiness and contentment.  Fulfill your end of the bargain, work hard and you'll be good.  Well I'm not.  I'm fucking sad and depressed and broken.  I cry and scream and break things and feel hopeless and get consumed by my self-hatred and eventually it will destroy me.  And I'm pissed off.  I'm angry and frustrated that I worked so hard and sacrificed so much and got nothing in return, received nothing I was promised.  And I can't be alone in this.  Odds are, if you're still reading this it makes sense to you, on some level.  We've all been promised something in return for our compliance.  I'm tired of working, where the fuck is my paycheck? 

Best Hip-hop Albums by Year

Saw a dude on last.fm do this and thought it was ace.  Figured I'd give it a go.  Comments and dissenting opinions are welcome.

1988 - Long Live the Kane by Big Daddy Kane

1989 - No One Can Do It Better by The DOC

1990 - Amerikkka's Most Wanted by Ice Cube

1991 - Low End Theory by Tribe Called Quest

1992 - The Chronic by Dr. Dre

1993 - Innercity Griots by Freestyle Fellowship

1994 - Illmatic by Nas

1995 - Liquid Swords by Genius/GZA

1996 - Soul on Ice by Ras Kass

1997 - Funcrusher Plus by Company Flow

1998 - Imaginarium by L'Roneous Da Versifier

1999 - Internal Affairs by Pharoahe Monch

2000 - Supreme Clientele by Ghostface Killah

2001 - Cold Vein by Cannibal Ox

2002 - The Listening by Little Brother

2003 - Rip the Jacker by Canibus

2004 - Madvillainy by Madvillain

2005 - The B.Coming by Beanie Sigel

2006 - whutduzFMstand4? by PackFM

2007 - Da Drought 3 by Lil Wayne

2008 - Ode to the Ghetto by Guilty Simpson

2009 - Only Built 4 Cuban Linx...Pt. 2 by Raekwon

2010 - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

2011 - The Greatest Story Never Told by Saigon

Jokers In Trousers

Around the time that Blueprint 3 came out, Jay-Z was spotted at a Grizzly Bear concert and it became news because black people don't listen to Grizzly Bear.  When asked about it afterward, Jay-Z had some rather poignant things to say about the state of hip-hop.  Essentially, he believed that hip-hop had lost the pioneering spirit that had driven it through the late 80's and 90's.  This spirit, he argued, had been adopted by indie rock and he saw in bands like Grizzly Bear everything hip-hop had been and should be again if it is ever to reattain a semblance of artistic relevance. 

I've been listening to hip-hop a long time and I'm with Jay-Z.  There is something dramatically wrong with modern hip-hop because everyone, including Jay, is absorbed with what he needs to be instead of what he is.  Consequently, even geniuses (!) like Kanye West have their lyrics mired with generic shit.  For about 8 months, 3-4 years ago, Lil Wayne almost singlehandedly changed all this but then he sold a milli in a week, made a rock record, got arrested and will never be the same.  It all just feels like a role, a persona, to be fulfilled.  This says nothing about the talent of the individuals involved but, rather, the perception of what is being created.  As a hip-hop fan all I can see is what it is supposed to be which is tiresome.  I'd like to be hit with something free of associations and reference points.  This happens all the time with indie rock (provided I check my jaded hipster cynicism) but rap hasn't done it in a long time.

In any case, 2 days ago I stumbled on this group of teenage girls from Florida that rap under the same Jokers In Trousers and have listened to their EP about 100 times since then.  On their last.fm page one of the girls indirectly asked me how I could possibly listen to so much of their drunken joke.  Frankly, I was taken aback by the question since I had no answer.  On the one hand they have much going for them.  Their beat selection is impeccable (Fabolous and DOOM, awesome), there is a Cracker Barrel reference, they are pretty fucking funny and, I suspect, are much better rappers than they think.  On the other hand, its pretty fucking brutal.  There's a love song to Marty McFly.  Enough said.  All told there is some charm but no reason that I should be listening to it so obsessively.

But then I remembered what Jay-Z had said about the state of hip-hop and I realized why this was so fucking swag.  These girls have no reference point.  They're just rapping.  Its not about anything and, more importantly, its not supposed to be about anything.  There were no shout-outs, no references (Tyler and Lil B don't count) and, most importantly, no cliches.  They just sat down, got drunk and made music.  It is exactly the kind of think Jay-Z was alluding to.  Hip-hop where the music comes before the image and the idea.  This is why the absolute worst part of the EP is the dude on k/trev.  He's not a bad rapper but he's a high school boy singing about his dick.  Its exactly what he should be doing which means its fucking redundant.  He doesn't belong alongside these girls because he's thinking too much about the fact that he's a rapper instead of just rapping. 

Am I thinking too much about this?  Probably.  But for the past couple of days I've seen hope for hip-hop.  Not because these girls can change the game but because there are still people putting hip-hop before rap. 

Leaving Comments

A short note to anyone who wants to leave comments.  Don't be a bitch and make an argument in the comments section without giving me the opportunity to respond.  Leave your email address or go to my last.fm (WeirdoRipper) if you actually wish to engage in a conversation.  Otherwise don't say anything.

Why you gotta hate?

There has been a recent rash of responses from the gay and lesbian community regarding Tyler, The Creator and his homophobic and misogynistic lyrics.  GLAAD and Tegan and Sara tantamount amongst these.  First of all, Tyler responded quite succinctly to Tegan and Sara on Twitter the other day so we can lay that issue to rest.  GLAAD has also stepped forward and said that these lyrics are inexcusable.  The problem with GLAAD (other than the fact that it is a wholly redundant organization) is that it fails to understand something that the members of OFWGKTA seem to be intimately aware of: words, inherently, are meaningless.  When Eminem and ICP and other shock-rap tacticians have engaged in this type of behavior in the past they were relying on the lowest common denominator of humanity.  Namely, 13 year old boys who got a kick out of listening to something their parents hated and middle American rednecks whose slight remaining intelligence was soon to be weeded out by inbreeding.  Fortunately for Eminem he grew up as his fans did.  Neither ICP nor their fans have been so lucky.  In any case, these were the types of groups against which complaints of this nature mattered because the fans were too young/stupid enough to believe that what was a tactic, wasn't.  Tyler's fans (for the most part save for the fucking moron throwing bottles in Detroit), I believe, understand that these are not tactics but, rather, a simple case of a young black man fully understanding the weight of his words.  Which is to say, he understands that his words mean nothing.  Tegan and Sara (and GLAAD) are still living in a world where people believed that their words carried weight, consequently opinions were valued or at least commented upon (trust me, I am well aware of the irony of writing these things in a blog).  Tyler seems to understand that in the modern landscape everybody is talking all of the time and words, like anything else in overabundance, have seem their value reduced to nothing.  Economically, a system of infinite supply and little to no demand renders the commodity valueless.

This is all to say that if you have a problem with Tyler's lyrics being misogynistic or homophobic, please be quiet.  Everyone is listening but no one fucking cares.

Tyler, the Creator: Goblin Review

 
Let me preface this by saying that there is a fundamental flaw with the way many people review music that seems to be particularly prevalent with the initial responses to this album.  Many people have a hard time believing that anyone could be smarter, or have more intricate machinations, than they are/do.  Consequently, you get shockingly obtuse statements like those made by Needle Drop, continually referring to the fact that "Tyler is human" (really?) and that his art has been affected by attention, resulting in "Tyler's need to preface his angry outbursts with assertions that he doesn't mean it".  Now it is entirely possible that these things are true and that Tyler is just as fucking stupid as the people reviewing his music.  However, just for one second, let's give the young man the benefit of the doubt.  Let's consider the possibility that he is rap's Lady Gaga and that he has done a masterful job crafting a persona for himself, subsequently eliciting the exact response that he wanted to evoke.  Let's consider the fact that he is smarter than we are.  He might not be, and I might be dramatically overstating his abilities as an artist, but so many people are falling on one side I'll take the other just to be different.

Goblin is astonishing in it's breadth.  It tries, explicitly, to tackle just about every hip-hop cliche song as possible.  Bullshit club song about drugs, guns and women?  Check.  Longing songs about women?  Check.  Posse cut? Check.  Introspective final track?  Check.  Fine, so thus far he's a man who has done his homework.  That view can be compounded by the rap references strewn throughout the album: Redman, Eminem and Jay-Z to name a few.  Admittedly, if this was all he was doing I would ride with Needle Drop and cast Tyler aside.  The problem, though, is that he doesn't do any of these things in a straightforward manner.  The bullshit club song mentions anal rape.  Obviously he's not the first artist to rape a bitch, but he's the only one I can think of to do it in a club song.  The longing song about a girl (complete with R & B hook) sounds generic enough until you find out he's stalking her.  He kills his crew at the end of the posse cut.  The introspective, and Redman referencing, final track gets all fucked up when Tyler is his own therapist.  Alone, none of these things mean shit.  Taken as a whole they start to imply that Tyler may have something bigger to say.  As he subtly manipulates hip-hop history and prototypical songs it becomes easier to believe that he is doing the same thing to listeners and critics alike.  At that point I am tempted to say that he might be doing it all on purpose.  He prefaces songs with disclaimers in the hopes that critics will think he is bitching out and letting the attention alienate his art when, in reality, the disclaimer was always an implicit part of the music.  He's just getting frustrated with moronic responses so he's spelling it out.

For a bit more evidence, look at what happened with the supposed B.o.B. insult and his subsequent response.  Hilarious.

Look, the point is that no one can have any idea what his intention is and, in the case of OF more than any other music in the modern landscape, intention is everything.  My only hope is that a few people can look at the other side and assume Tyler is more, as opposed to less, intelligent than those listening to his music.

10 Years

I, along with everyone else in the western hemisphere, learned last night that Osama Bin-Laden had been killed and buried at sea (cue the conspiracy theories).  Now I could care less about him and his organization and his supposed activities but the response to his death has been astonishing.  I was watching the Mets-Phillies game last night (I can't believe, with their rotation, that the Phillies are losing any games but they'll still win it this year) and the news of Bin-Laden's death was released.  The game actually stopped while fans gave a standing ovation while chanting "U S A".  It was sickening to see this group of people staring at their cell phones waiting with bated breath for updates regarding the death of someone that they "hate" for reasons completely unknown to them.

The fact is that Americans needed an outlet for their anger and fear 10 years ago, finding it in a relatively benign individual.  Psychologically, such outlets are necessary for maintaining sanity because explanation is a form of control.  Consequently, some joy at his death is logical.  However, something about a large group of people cheering for a man's death left a bad taste in my mouth.  It felt like a lynch mob.  It felt barbaric.  It felt sub-human.  It felt as though what makes us human was suspended for a moment.  It was a disturbing event (and the Phillies lost).

Update: Later in the morning, I thought a little about what was driving these douchebags at the Mets game (and elsewhere) to cheer to Bin-Laden's death.  Patriotism seems to be the most likely candidate, an absurd concept that appeals to the lowest common denominator of humanity.  To believe that the "enemy" of one's country is also an enemy of the individuals that comprise that country is to suspend individuality, a suspension only the most timid and pathetic of us will make.  Those who identify so strongly with their country are regressing to a stage of development many of us vacate in early childhood.  Such a regression is the hallmark of an anxiety-riddled person without the wherewithal to sustain such pressure and retain that which makes them adults.  They rely on their country to identify what they are as people.  By extension, only children and regressed adults should be experiencing joy on this day.  Only those without a concrete sense of self and who are, fundamentally, devoid of makes us people, can enjoy the death of someone that has had so little direct influence on their lives.  The influence Bin-Laden had on many was cursory at best and, while the US is painting this as a victory I can assure you that they are shitting their pants in fear.  Small-minded individuals have been willing to sacrifice their children and their lives for the country so long as there was a common enemy, someone to hate as a group.  With the death of Bin-Laden only the most moronic won't ask the most logical follow up question: "For what purpose are we still sacrificing, our enemy is dead?"  The US had better find a new communal enemy to convince the weakest, and most numerous, of us that there is still a reason for their sacrifice, otherwise even they might start asking the questions the rest of us have been asking for 10 years.